Posts by mac n cheese

25

Frustrated - This is not going well!!

by heybaby in

i haven't posted in a while, so i'm glad to be back.

my husband and i got into another fruitless discussion last night.

it actually turned out to be more of a fight than a discussion.

mac n cheese

Heybaby,

I'm in exactly the same situation, only my husband doesn't want to discuss it, at all. I've given up trying to convince him to move faster. He does everything at a snail's pace, despite the fact that I know he thinks there are a lot of things wrong with this group. We've both been raised in it our whole lives and while I have mentally chucked it all and am ready to be done, it will take years before he's done. That makes me sad.

Try not mentioning things for awhile? That worked with us. He actually brought up things that bothered him. I just told him he was right and left it at that, but inside I was jumping up and down and hoping he was done. Nope. It's a very slow process sometimes.

Hang in there.

Mac

91

The Official What happened at the Memorial thread

by truthseeker in

jw
friends

i thought rather than everyone start their own topic relating their experience of attending the memorial, we keep it simple and have just one thread.

if anything, it's saves bandwidth.. i will be going to the memorial tonight and will post my experiences afterwards.. all the other memorials i attended, i was an active jw, so this will be my first experience as a submarine witness.

it's weird being on the other side so to speak.

mac n cheese

We went to a hotel. We almost went to the bar instead, but decided we were there, might as well get it over with.

The Bethel speaker announced the number of partakers last year, "9,900" and then immediately said after that, "see? the number is dwindling." I almost laughed out loud. My spouse was in total shock. No one else seemed to notice.

And I thought it was weird how they kept asking if everyone had been served. Are they TRYING to increase the number of partakers?

20

For those who chose not to have kids--any regrets?

by Alpaca in

jw
friends

when i was younger i didn't really have any second thoughts about deciding not to have kids.. when i think about the great relationship i had with my non-dub dad, i now wish that i had at least one child.. the decision was based on the borg's encouragement to put "spiritual interests" ahead of personal interests.

this is just one more of the long-lasting detriments to my life caused by the borg..

mac n cheese

Your question is asking if we were happy with our choice to not have kids. We never wanted our own children. We know it's a big, tough, messy, wonderful ecstatically satisying job that has no limits to both its rewards and troubles.

My JW friends who felt like the WT made them "choose" not to have kids now regret it. I feel sorry for them. A lot of other JWs just ignored the WT advice and had children. A number of them, while they would never say they regret it, tell us often that we were smart not to have them. I think they are just hassled with money and the WT life that doesn't give them the time to be parents the way they would like to. But that's something else they'll never admit either. I really don't care what other people think, since we're both pretty content.

In our case, it was a choice. We told other people it was because of the paradise, etc, but that was just to come off as better than others and to get people off our backs about us having kids. They finally gave up, and we've been harassment-free ever since.

When a JW friend would tell me they wanted to have kids, I would full on support them in words, lots of babysitting, presents, the whole works. I love kids. I just don't want them for myself. I also ask people WHY they want kids. The answers are very often about things they WANT, rather than what they'll be giving.

Having a child is the last selfish decision you'll ever make.

I'm glad there are so many people, JWs and others, who have kids. They make me laugh and fill my world with delight.

I congratulate all the hard-working parents out there - you have a very tough job. Better you than me.

26

I truly believe the WT contributed to my depression

by heybaby in

ok, so here's a little summary.

i have suffered from depression for quite a while, at varying degrees.

several months ago, i made the decision to stop attending meetings (check out my first posts for the reasons).

mac n cheese

Boy did you hit the nail right on the head. My hubby has suffered from depression for most of his life. It wasn't until we started fading that he got better. The less involved we are with the congregation, the better he is. This is one of the biggest reasons I ended up posting here, because the difference was so obvious. And the few things I initially allowed myself to read on this board resonated with what we had always thought and discussed privately. We're both beginning to realize that we would have never joined this religion if we hadn't been born into it. Despite both of us pioneering for many years, and with hubby being an elder for many years, inside both of us were feeling very smothered. The congregation put up with the things we'd say that weren't quite kosher because we had all of the right boxes "checked". Now that we're not serving in any capacity, it's like we're invisible the few times we do show up at meetings. It's weird to be completely in the center of the organization and to feel totally lost and not part of things. Now, we're hardly part of the congregation, and we're so much more connected to each other, nature, and real friends we've met outside of the congregation. Being away from the congregation has also helped hubby address other issues, which has aided his return to mental health. Normally, I would have thanked God, but he never did anything to help when we were in and he certainly isn't helping us now. What's helping is this board (even though hubby doesn't know I'm here), the guide of a good doctor, and the affection we have between us. Thanks, heybaby, for a great post. And I guess I've officially come a bit "out" on this board - I've always tried to describe myself and spouse in gender neutral terms on this board. Now I feel comfortable enough to say that I'm the wife who wants out and am working on hubby bit by bit. Most of all, I just want him to be happy. Sorry for the long post.

12

Not afraid anymore and it feels great

by mac n cheese in

jw
friends

i guess i should mention my/our status these days first:.

i've posted sporadically here, but have been a voracious reader of all of your wonderful posts.

spouse and i are almost inactive now.

mac n cheese

I guess I should mention my/our status these days first:

I've posted sporadically here, but have been a voracious reader of all of your wonderful posts. Spouse and I are almost inactive now. We do not attend meetings, except every once in awhile to turn in fake time reports. Spouse still is waiting for very active JW mom who lives nearby to die and that's why we're turning in those stupid time reports. Sometimes I think she will live another 10 years and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I'm making very good progress with spouse, albeit slow. I'm hoping that we'll be fully inactive by next year, since more and more spouse disregards what JW mom/parents say and is refusing to compromise principles for some stupid JW "rules". Spouse even directly made a stand against mother and the response was shocked disbelief. I'm just glad I got to see it happen. Baby steps are good.

Anyway, it feels good to basically be myself after all these years. I can go to work, go to birthday parties, celebrate any holiday I choose. While at first I was terrified of telling people at work about my recent religious status, once the dam broke and everyone was so supportive, I now have no fear of it all or even of "wordly" people. I was in fear, fear, fear of everyone and everything in the congregation, which is what drove most of my compliance with my JW upbringing. I pioneered and did everything else, being so afraid of what the organization would do to me if I didn't comply with everything the WT says.

Well, no more. So now, I REALLY want to put up a Xmas tree, lights, and have parties. Our neighbors are out in the cold weather, sharing cups of coffee and helping each other put up their lights. They have even offered to put ours up for us, since we "don't seem to have the time". I politely declined and thanked them very much. Even though we live far away from the hall, all it takes is one JW working our street to turn us in.

But the good news is, I don't care anymore. I'm NOT afraid. Spouse, on the other hand, is still afraid...but I can't believe the progress that has been made. I guess I'm still afraid of what spouse thinks, but I can live with that.

Once again everyone, thank you for your great advice and examples on how to handle a very embedded spouse. I look forward to supplying my name, telling my story in great detail, and even posting a few good photos of myself (and spouse!).

Hope is everything.

48

very simple hot meal recipes wanted :)

by asilentone in

jw
friends

i want very simple hot meal recipes.

i am looking forward to see some of your recipes.

mac n cheese

If you have a CrockPot - 3 ingredients for Pulled Pork:

1 16 ounce bottle/can of Coke

1 pork roast (super cheap meat, any size that fits in your CrockPot)

1 jar BBQ sauce (your choice)

Directions: Put pork roast in CrockPot, dump Coke on top of it, simmer for 8 hours. Pull pork apart with a fork, add BBQ and some bread - ta da! Pulled Pork Sandwiches.

This makes the most tender pork you can imagine. It sounds horrible, but it's wonderful. I think the acidity in the Coke breaks down the pork roast.

33

You can effect a Tipping Point.....

by sweet pea in

jw
friends

please prove to me i'm not posting in the graveyard shift....... besty and i were talking about password protected and family's exit this last few weeks.

we are full of admiration for the way that they have left with dignity and obviously made many think.

they have not faded, they had a good repuation until the very last moment - mark was an elder - but they stopped and made the decision to be up front and face the elders in a meeting.

mac n cheese

I agree with the OP, in theory. If it were just up to me, that's how I'd go out, and hopefully with a big bang, lots of letters, private meetings with people who have known me my whole life so that they would know how stupid the whole thing is to me.

Here's the problem: that's not my spouse's style. While normally I wouldn't care and proceed in my own way, spouse is waiting for parents to die. I'm waiting for spouse, because while spouse has had enough of the whole WT lifestyle, parents are very important to spouse. Spouse's parents are very old and could go anytime. They have had a lot of heartbreak and neither of us feel like adding to it. Having patience with my spouse is the one thing I'm quietly doing to help spouse with those baby steps out.

However, it is starting to cramp my style. I want to vote in the US election. I want to celebrate holidays for the first time in my life. Neither of those things will be happening this year, and that upsets me. I mean, we're both effectively out, we don't attend meetings anymore, other than to turn in fake time reports (for the parents). So far, the elders accept out time without a comment, other than to kindly ask how we are. I keep waiting for our own horror story; maybe when it happens, I'll post our whole story.

While just a few short months ago, I would have said that spouse would NEVER leave or stop activity, now spouse is completely inactive, and makes comments about how sad spouse's parents' lives are, that all they have is the WT life.

Thanks to all of you who gave such good advice on how to get a spouse out - being supportive to spouse has worked like a charm. I hope it keeps working.

Mac

36

Is college worth it?

by NewYork44M in

jw
friends

my life has been transformed by higher education.

however, i am aware that college is not for everyone.. here are some interesting thoughts:.

http://www.theatlasphere.com/columns/080926-williams-higher-education.php.

mac n cheese

It was for me.

I started of by taking classes at community college, working on my general education and to see how I could handle it all. I was doing this while working and pioneering. Eventually, I transfered to a 4-year college and finished my education in a professional field. It took me more than a decade, but I persisted and now I have an excellent job, fantastic pay and most of all, I don't get frustrated and bored at work anymore. Because it took me so long, I managed to pay cash for tuition and for books, so, no student loans.

I'm trying to figure out how to go back and get my master's; it's like I'm addicted to school and I can't stop.

I also agree that going to school when you have some life experience under your belt makes all the difference in the world. In my case, the older I got, the more I enjoyed the whole process.

But not everyone learns in an academic environment, so I don't think it's for everyone.

I'm so glad I listened to myself and finally ignored my mother's and the WT's "advice" to only pioneer. Screw that. I got more analytical training and enjoyment from one basic English class than I did my whole life, reading just the Awake! magazine.

- mac

17

You Don't Want to Tell People About Jehovah?

by cognac in

jw
friends

told hubby that i won't go out in service because i believe that the preaching work was already done in the 1st century.. he said "you don't want to tell people about jehovah?".

i said "no".

i also said that when we move i have no intentions of going back to the kh.

mac n cheese

Hey Cognac,

Like most of us, I've been following your story with great interest. I'm definitely more like you - fiesty, ready to drop it all. My spouse is plodding, careful, and in it for the parents (until they die). I finally just did the same thing you did - spouse kept asking if I wanted to go in service on the weekend? I would be completely supportive and agree to go, then when the weekend came around, spouse would decide that we had more fun things to do. I also explained, very quietly, that in good conscience, I could not tell others about the organization, because I just didn't think it was people in general really needed. We've both been through the ringer with this organization, so spouse had to agree there. Spouse has, after several months, agreed that they cannot encourage people to come into this organization, which I NEVER saw coming, nor did I think would happen.

I've been turning in phantom time for both of us for over 8 months, today, spouse turned in phantom time for both of us (also another thing I thought would NEVER happen). Today's meeting was the first we've been to in 8 weeks, which is a new record for us.

I guess I just want to say that I'm taking a lot of courage from your story; there are so many of us out here like you. It looks like you will be able to pull this off after all. "Firm and determined" indeed. It's worked wonders for me and mine. Here's to both of us getting what we want.

Congrats!

(sorry if I've hijacked this thread, didn't mean to)

9

Today's public talk - emotional manipulation

by mac n cheese in

jw
friends

so i'm sitting in the kh today, and the speaker is really pretty good.

he's one of those really kind, in-it-for-others type of guys and it really comes through in his talk.

he starts reading scriptures about how j is near to those crushed in spirit, and how j will hear our cries for help.. and because we've been through the wringer with elders in the past, all the hurt that i thought i put behind me comes roaring back with a vengeance.

mac n cheese

So I'm sitting in the KH today, and the speaker is really pretty good. He's one of those really kind, in-it-for-others type of guys and it really comes through in his talk. He starts reading scriptures about how J is near to those crushed in spirit, and how J will hear our cries for help.

And because we've been through the wringer with elders in the past, all the hurt that I thought I put behind me comes roaring back with a vengeance. I'm moved, and find myself hoping that once again, J will listen, all because the speaker is saying something kind and truly seems concerned for all of us in the audience. The speaker starts reading from Psalms about King David and I start worrying if my spouse will be able to hold it together, heck, if I can hold it together emotionally.

But then I realize, "WTF? J never answered my prayers. He doesn't give a rip about me and when everything went south for us, our group of 'friends' scattered and were nowhere to be found." I was instantly annoyed at how easily I went back for that "the brothers are supportive and J will answer your cries for help" load of garbage.

I guess I'm just really proud of myself that I was able to snap myself back to reality, and go back to not caring about what they're saying from the platform. I checked on spouse, who whispered "what a load of crap", but without bitterness.

Thanks to all the help here and from my therapist - I am celebrating my/our progress. We've made lots of wonderful "worldly" friends who don't see the need to manipulate us at all, and who truly are "a brother born during times of distress." It's really nice not to need this group of people in our lives anymore.

I also realized that the reason JWs think the world is so bad is because that's all they hear at the KH. In the prayers, in the comments, in the literature, it's all about how "the world is a terrible place to be, please protect us." We are finding the opposite is the case - and we're actually much happier now than we have been, growing up in this religion. Go figure.

Thanks for reading this far, I know it's not earth-shattering for any of you, but we're in a good place right now.